Time to come clean

OK, OK, I admit it...I lost my way (or my shit) in a major way last week.

I don't know when it started, but on Wednesday, I decided I was officially an emotional wreck. I had a weekend upcoming that was causing me anxiety and I had an impending conversation I had to have with my sister. The meltdown was fast, furious and TOXIC.

I had been craving a burger for quite some weeks. After my emotional meltdown Wednesday, I called off sick on Thursday. I didn't have it in me physically or intellectually to exist in a work environment and I've learned that when that happens, you HAVE to take care of you and if that means holing your self up inside your home, so be it.

So I did, but that didn't stop me from making a trip to a fast food place. And, I did. And, I indulged in food that does NOT come close to meeting the standards I  have set for myself. And, it didn't stop there. For dinner, I wanted PASTA. So, I indulged there.

The end result?

I ate too much meat, too much oil, too much salt, too many "bad" carbs. I was a MESS. The emotions continued to swirl within me for the next few days. I confessed my issues on a private Facebook group for us ETL followers. My support was immediate and certain. "Take care of you."

But, I did not completely take care of me (though I considered indulging as taking care of me).

Turns out, this time, in order to take care of me emotionally I "needed" to go off track (and, boy did I). I was better by the next day and the next and the next. But boy do I have a ton of guilt issues swirling around in my head for having done it while still maintaining this plant-based blog. Thus my "coming clean."

The biggest "emotional" issue, for me, is the boy. He's interviewing for a job in California (2,206.4 miles from where I am now). And, it's not that he'd be leaving me. Nope, that's not what stresses me out (though I'm sure it would if he was). We've talked about me going with him.

Wait, what?

Yep, that's right. This girl, the one who had a tough time moving 180 miles away from her hometown, is in serious discussions about moving an additional 2,206 miles from "home."

There are tons of reasons this stresses me out, but the biggest one was dropping that bomb on my sister.

Oh, how I dreaded the thought of that.

See, my sis and I have been close for only about the last 17 years (even though we are 41 and 53).

When I announced moving where I am, it was tough for both of us. But, it's only a 3-hour drive. TWO THOUSAND miles, not quite so quick a drive. I can't rush back for an emergency. She can't just decide to come visit for a weekend. It'd be all about planning and cost.

So, I finally steeled myself, and got up the nerve Sunday to text her there was something I needed to talk to her about. We discussed speaking Monday morning, but, she called me Sunday night. And, I told her.

And....turns out my trepidation about that was all self-imposed.

Because you know what? My sister loves me, a lot, and wants nothing but the best for me. And, my news was good news to her, which made it even better news for me. (Funny thing, that unconditional love. It is supportive, loving, and REAL.)

I still don't know if this move cross-country is going to happen. But I'm relieved that the first most anxiety-inducing part of the possible journey is over and that it went well.

So, now, it's time for me to clean up my act. I'm gonna do a smoothie fast. No chewing food, no eating out, the rest of this week. Just me and my Vitamix making me yummy drinks to quench my thirst and hunger. I need to clean up and re-detox and that'll be so much easier now that the most emotional part of what's been going on with me is over.

I love you sis, and I know you're reading :)

[caption id="attachment_565" align="aligncenter" width="640"] Me and my sister on her wedding day in 2004 <3[/caption]